I regularly read an online discussion group at BabyCenter.com. It's a group of mothers who gave birth to their children the same month I had Lucy, and the idea is that we will support one another and offer helpful parenting tips. Sometimes this is true. Other times it is a theater for outright mommy warfare.
Motherhood is an awfully thick institution. We have a lot of cultural scripts telling us what good mothers do and don't do. Yet we also have a country and culture that don't support mothering particularly well. Our economy requires most women to work, but we don't have a good child care system. We pressure women to stay home with children, but we don't reward working women who take time off, and we don't give much respect to stay-at-home moms.
This means the whole mothering thing is sealed up tight in a big old fat envelope of guilt.
I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know. Especially if you've reproduced yourself. I see this playing out in the way me and my female friends react to motherhood. We judge ourselves, and one another, using some mighty unfair yardsticks. We have some idea of How Things Ought To Be. And this idea is non-negotiable. And unattainable.
On BabyCenter, women express their daily anxieties about motherhood. They post questions asking for our opinions on what they SHOULD have said to the pushy woman in the grocery store, whether you SHOULD listen to the pediatrician about vaccinations, or whether or not you SHOULD give a 2-year old time outs. They also do a lot of effusing about how much they love being (mostly stay-at-home) mommies.
When they discuss difficult mommying issues, or situations, they very rarely get angry about unfair cultural expectations for motherhood, or any kind of big picture issue. Like most Americans, they tend to see problems as originating from individual decisions. It pisses them off when people try to "blame others" for their problems. If you have a problem with taking care of your kid, it is probably due to your mommying. Or somebody else's mommying.
In fact, they often tend to blame other mommies for social problems. BAD mommies. You know, the kind that puts themselves ahead of their kids, that parks their toddlers in front of the TV for hours, who lets their kids misbehave during play dates and doesn't discipline them, who doesn't use the right car seat and doesn't care, who just doesn't care enough to meet the expectations of motherhood.
The other day I reached a breaking point of frustration with this. I rarely post, especially on contentious subjects, but I was sorely tempted to.
Somebody posted on BabyCenter asking why on earth any stay-at-home mom would send their 2-year old to preschool. Two year old was way too young. They could get nothing out of it. The poster's friend was sending her daughter to a 3-hour preschool a few days a week, and the poster just didn't get it. Why was her friend absolving herself of the proper job of a stay-at-home mom?
Not to analyze the poster too much, but it really seemed like this was seriously threatening.
A (slightly modified) excerpt from her post:
"My friend is mad that I don't understand why she's doing it. She claims it's for the social benefits and for learning a little too, but she also says that now she will have time to get manicures and go shopping by herself. Why would she pay to have somebody else teach her kid? Doesn't she know that's the whole point of being a stay-at-home mom? Why would anyone do this? I seriously don't understand."
The argument followed from there. There were 58 posts on the subject -- some supportive, some not. Some people pointed out the academic benefits of getting a head start; others pooh-poohed this as ridiculous. Some said preschool was just fun; others said it was serious and real school.
What was remarkable was that almost no one considered the sanity or comfort of the stay-at-home mom as a legitimate reason to do it. It was all talked about in terms of the benefits or disadvantages to the toddler. Mommies aren't supposed to make decisions based on their desire to get their nails done. That's just not acceptable.
I wrote and rewrote multiple responses to the woman's question. But Rosalind Little is a chicken. She can't deal with confrontation.
So here is my never-posted contribution to the discussion. Do bear in mind that I was adopted a certain colloquial style for the chat room, which is probably very obnoxious and very condescending of me. Here we are:
"My daughter isn't in a preschool, although I don't think it would be a bad thing for her at all. If we did it, it definitely wouldn't be for the test scores or the academic head start in school. It would be because she would find it fun to play with other kids in a structured setting, and because I would get a break. If she learned some new songs and picked up some new skills, hey, that's great, too.
But I'll come right out and say it: I don't think there's anything wrong with stay at home mommies, or any mommies, making the decision to do preschool because they want time to themselves for a few hours a week. I don't even think wanting to get your nails done is that bad. I don't think that makes anybody a bad mommy.
First of all, getting some hours to yourself during the workday means that you might be able to be more invested in "family time" when your spouse is home. I know that is true of me.
Second, I truly think that some mommies are going to do a better job if they get time away from their kids.
Some of you seem to treasure every second with your children and dread the day they start kindergarten, and that is really a blessing for your kids. It's wonderful. If you're putting all your energy into activities with them everyday and getting up the next morning ready for more, you are amazing women and deserve pats on the back. But I would ask that you not assume that everyone is like this, or that they HAVE to be like this to be good mommies.
The reality is, not everyone handles this toddler stage equally well. Mommies have different temperaments, different strengths, different life situations. (Not to mention different kids -- we know some are more challenging than others!) Some of you may have been born to play this role at this stage in our kids' lives. Others of us might love our children dearly but are struggling to do our best, with our love for our kid motivating us to try harder. What's challenging and fun for one woman might be pure hell on earth for another.
This age isn't going to last forever. And the tables might turn when our kids are five, or ten, or teenagers -- who knows? The point is, there's room for tolerance for different people's parenting strengths and weaknesses.
If some mommies are at the end of their rope and are finding there is a lot of their day that they are not enjoying, not treasuring, then I think it can be the right decision for them to do preschool with a two-year old. It can improve the situation a lot for some people. I've seen it happen with friends of mine. The happiness of mommies and toddlers is deeply connected, after all.
Sure, if your child hates preschool above all else, and you're dragging them in against their will and then sprinting out the door towards the nail salon, that's probably a bad idea. Of course.
But I honestly know that my daughter loves that kind of thing, and I think a lot of kids this age do, too. If they're having fun and you're getting a manicure, and everyone's in a good mood afterwards ... what's the problem? Can't we relax the mommy rules to allow it?"
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